Are you alive or are you dead?

Who would you rather be murderer or murdered?

***********

And the story goes on! The Soldier. Sitting down in the beach, looking how the sun is setting. No rush, no worries, no negativity. War seems to be so far behind... Fist time after a long, long time the Soldier can relax and see the beauty of the world again. See the colors of sun again, feel the sea breeze and observe the birds. And take time for food. Food for thought. Food for life and food for heart. Feels like the Soldier is feeling again. Weapons are loose in the Soldiers hands.... One more push and the weapons will be history. And the battles will be forgotten and war will stay behind the mountains.
No myths, no fairytale's. Just a moment, just day by day.

DJ Shadow - Six Days

My Fairys 2

with your thoughts

Walking down the streets in a cold windy day, wearing no jacket, no shoes... passing people with no faces, no feelings. Calmly bumping into people, intro street lamps. It doesnt matter. Eyes are looking down the road, but the eyes are seeing a lot. The Mind is Pure and the Mind is Big.
Thousands of faces, thousands of streets.... thousands of thoughts!
Stop. Think and feel and let it in...!
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Suddenly realizing how cold it is!

My Fairys

heheeee...! i got my friends to the woods last weekend and get them dressed up and did my first photoshoot outside with models! wawwww i really enjoyed this. At first i felt oh my god what i am going to do, i felt like my head got empty and i didnt know what do do with the models. But as the minutes passed and everyone started enjoying themselves the better it went and actually i can say the results are not bad. I know what to change next time- im still little bit scared of doing full-body pictures and next time i already know how to get more from my gear!! Oh i love it so much! And finally i fell like i am getting my own style, i already feel like there is certain type of photography i want to do and i know more and more what i like and how i want to do.
I will upload more tomorrow =)
Oh and thanks for Monika and Jackie!
PS. sorry about the words in the blog, im tired and my English is bit crazy now.

Small Box

Beautiful morning outside, walk through the town with my headphones (drum&bass today!) to another day in office... its beautiful sunshine, too beautiful for being in office and being under the pressure. Again i feel i have been put into the box which is absolutely disturbing. Its like same food, same color, same hope and same story every day. Its just a small box. A disturbing limited box.

Life is full of circles as i say. Some circles are smaller, some of them are bigger. Sometimes its difficult and sometimes its fun. I think one of my circles is full. So full that there is no space for anything. If you add another drop to this circle then it will explode.

Dreams and plans.... Decision has to be made. Time off needs to be taken.

powered up again!

i got a good temporary cable today for my laptop (thanks to my friend!!). I was dying to write to my blog because i haven't done that properly 10 days! And all i can say are the questions in my head tonight- what happens when you are afraid of yourself? and what happens when you don't trust yourself?

that's all i have for now... and wow (!) im getting very conscious about stuff...

(...by the way im thinking positive still!)

~~Peace & Love~~

.

...my laptop is still down... using somekind of old cable at the moment and cant move my laptop. I need a proper cable!
Üüüühüüü. and i need my blooog...!

computerized

... my laptop is broken again. Hopefully it will be fixed today.... im totally computerized person (yeah, i dont know what does it mean either actually....)
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I better go back to work now :)
(its funny, just checked my work e-mails and every second e-mail starts with the word URGENT!)

love machine

Hello. Today all day i have been practicing my new thinking. I keep pushing all the negative thoughts away. I wont think anymore that i cant do. Instead of this im thinking what i have and what i can do and what i want to do and where i want to be. As soon as im clear with myself i will post here all what i want and then i keep writing how is it going for me to achieve them. It will be some commitment and i cant slip then!

This picture i took on Friday. For some reason i Love big trucks. I dont know why. And i dont know why did i write Love Machine on that truck. This does mean absolutely nothing to me!

Peace and LOve ˇˇ

Law of Attraction

Its unbelievable. As recommended for me in my last post comment i started watching the movie called "The Secret". I have always known how important is to think positive and i always tried to do this.But its not easy- every morning when i wake up i feel tired and angry because its too early. Every day at work im complaining because its too busy and everybody are so crazy. BUT. It looks like i have forgotten something? I let it slipped and didnt continue... Ok i will tell you the story.

At the end of last year i had some difficulties in my personal life- i was depressed and felt useless. Everything seemed to go down the hill. I dragged myself to go to Estonia for Christmas holidays. So i spent my time there with my family, not feeling really good and eventually i even got physically sick (i got a cold). So one morning i woke up. There was a beautiful sunny day outside and first time after these dark months i was thinking- it is so beautiful. There is so much beauty in life. I was thinking:"Ok thats it girl! Get up and enjoy life! Get your notebook and write it down what do you want!" Thats what i did. I enjoyed my morning coffee, looking ouside from the window, beautiful winter sun shining and all the snow sparkling. I wrote down what i wish from 2009. They were very simple things but extremely important for me. And what was the result? All of these wishes i achieved within 3-4 months! How amazing is that? And i didnt even know about that movie called "The Secret"... All i wanted was just clear my head, get myself together and tell myself what do i want.
Now it was like im letting myself down again... i almost slipped and started to go down that negative road again... forgetting to take time for myself in this busy life. But how important is to take time for yourself and tell yourself what do you want and then visualize all this in your head! And all you have to do is just believe that this is possible and universe will help you achieve this.

I love the way how life goes sometimes. In fact i had bad day today again and i was sleeping then i was thinking to write in my blog and saw the comment in my last post to see the move called "The Secret". I started to look at that straight away (this was already second time when someone recommended that to me within last month). Thanks for that DJ Jekyll- you see how big difference can this small thing make for someone!
Anyway i will do everything not to let myself slip again! Its amazing what Universe can do.

.......and im going to dance with my friends all night now!!

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Ask	Know what you want and ask the universe for it.	This is where you need to get clear on what it is you want to create and visualise what you want as being as 'real' as possible.
Believe†	Feel and behave as if the object of your desire is on its way.	Focus your thoughts and your language on what it is you want to attract. You want to feel the feeling of really 'knowing' that what you desire is on its way to you, even if you have to trick yourself into believing it – do it.
Receive	Be open to receiving it.	Pay attention to your intuitive messages, synchronicities, signs from the Universe to help you along the way as assurance you are on the 'right' path. As you align yourself with the Universe and open yourself up to receiving, the very thing you are wanting to manifest will show up.

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Text between the stars is from Wikipedia.

Totally Overthinking

I have to ban the thinking. I cant start thinking too much or it will stress me out totally. Last weekend i said that i have no plans for the weekend and i thought im going to enjoy it. But actually it stressed me out because i had too much time for thinking. Then at work i had some changes and it stressed me out again, also my brother have some worries which was stressing me out as well. But less im thinking the better. Actually i just needed little talk with my friends, with my family in Estonia, with my father here in Ireland, with my boss and with my brother- half of the worries are gone. As easy as that!
Just telling someone how i really feel makes half of my worries go away.

Also i enjoyed the Irish nature today- little bit of a fresh breeze for my brains did a good job actually!

Love and Peace! ˇˇ
(this is another picture from my toy series- i seem to fell in love with this type of photo shooting)

presssssure

Blooooody pressssssure...~!!

Two evenings ago i wrote into my notebook, i just couldnt sleep so i had to write to let things out of my head. And after i played Brick Game- seriously if you are stressed and cant sleep then play the brick game! hehe.

*******

Im in a small grey room, the door is closed. Im feeling relaxed, everything is under control, everything is nice and quiet. Suddenly i can hear the door squeaking... someone is trying to sneak in! I feel uncomfortable... im trying to ignore, im pretending like i dont notice. The door is squeaking again- the person behind it is looking for my attention! I cant say anything. I close my eyes. The person behid the door doesnt respect my privacy. I feel fed up.

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Im trying to sleep, but my eyes are wide open and my brain is working on full power. Im trying to breath but the air is too heavy and my throat is sour. Im trying to eat but my eyes are crying and im not hungry. Im trying to feel but my heart is broken and im standing like a stone. Im trying to reach but the mountain is too high an im too short.

*****

Im almost sorted now. The days are getting brighter again.

I want to go Home!

... couple of days ago i bought good old Brick Game from 2 Euro Shop. Some oldschool game! 80's yey!!
Today i played it and it totally reminded my home.

My simple home in Võhma where i had my own room where it was totally my own world with wallpaper with sheepS and my music and my crazy magazines and books. I loved spening time with myself!
I used to have lot of time in summertime and sometimes the weather was so hot that we had to take cold showers during the day because we just couldnt scope with heat. I loved sleeping and sometimes stayed up for long time, i was watching movies with my friends and family. Sometimes i was lucky when i got up early before others.... i made my cup of coffee (i always loved coffee!), took it outside. I sat down on the stairs in front of my house having my cup of coffee and reading a book (i used to read lot more than i read now!), sometimes i took a brick game and i could play that for hours trying to beat my own recrords. I never couldnt give up before i had reached my goal! Hee hee..
Thinking back to my mothers house when i spent my teenager years seems to be so good. At that moment i couldnt appreciate what i had then.
When i was 16 my father and i started to change the wallpaper in my room and doing all that kind of repairing stuff.. i was so excited that i could pick everyting for my room. I spent hours in the shop trying to find everything perfect for my room. I had an idea what i want but as the shop and our moneys where very limited i thought i will go for a whacky wallpaper. And i picked one with sheepS! My father painted my sealing with light blue color and i got very nice lamp that looked like a Sun. So my room looked like a Happy SheepLand! Oh i miss it!

Me and my brother had old nitendo and we used to stay up all night playing Ninja Turtles! I love good old Super Mario game too! Its unbeleivable that every time when i go back to home then my mothers house is still the same like time has been stopped there and we still have this oldschool TV game which i will play again when i go back! Some good things are just going better and better in time and it makes you feel safe and comfortable in this world.

The closer summer came the more my mother wanted me to go to her plant fields and take care of them but oh! how much i hated working in garden! But how much i loved these fresh onions, potatoes, carrots, leeks, raddishes, stawberries, pease etc ec from our own garden! I wanted to eat but not take care of them! But now i would love to do that, heh.

The older i got the more rebellious i got- i hated being in this small town called Võhma. I thought its miserable place to live and every weekend i went away to bigger cities in Estonia. How much i was dreaming about travelling all the time then and how much i wanted to go, go, go all the time. And now i was wondering where should i spend my holiday, i was trying to pick a point in the world, i thought about home. And i decided to go Home.
I wont make any plans. I just want to be and take photos and spend some time doing nothing. Well, i cant say doing nothing, i better say that enjoying the time. Enjoying that time i can be in my Home again and be that little girl for my mum who will cook for me the best Estonian food in the world! :)

Waawww- i really miss my home!

....

Save the Sheep!

...but does the sheep really needs to be saved?

Bad ones sometimes think they are doing good but actually not... sometimes they think they need to be involved but actually they shouldn't be...
But can we actually call them Bad Ones when they think they are doing good?

im coming in peace....

they dont see
im coming in peace
why they keep shooting
im coming in peace
why they dont see

im bringing love and im bringing peace
they keep shooting
they dont see...

battles in life

The battle is over. New season has begun. Its like a breeze of fresh air in hot summer day or like first sunbeams after the endless night. The Soldier is relaxed but still not fully ready to give away the armor, still needs to look at the back and still analyze the past...
But the Soldier feels strong enough for new challenges.
What about the war? Is it finished as well? No, its like a journey- not always pleasant but sometimes necessary.
The Solder wont see the end of the war before the days are over because it is about the moment. Moment of inhale, a long inhale and then then just before another adventure/ another battle, just before the exhale, there is a pause... A short quiet pause. And then it starts again... Just another start to become an end again one day.

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..... i have no plans for the weekend and im totally enjoying it!