BANG BANG

i was watching alpha dog last night. commercial shit i thought. i took this movie because i wanted to see something where i do not have to think and wanted to see something that is just easy going and keeps my mind away from my thoghts. i watching and watching and thinking that oh i am sooo over from these gangsta blabla movies. ok, movie was going on and on and they were going to kill the boy in a movie and i thought no way they wont do this and it will have this nice american happy ending story and thats that. BUT. THEY KILLED THE BOY. and i found out this was a true story actually. however killers got punishments they deserved,but it is one of the sadest killing stories i know.
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theres another movie that made me emotionally crazy. blood diamond. i have seen it 3 times and every single time at the end of the movie i have been crying my eyes out.

world could be such a beautiful place to live but theres so many awful things going on. deep human feelings. betraying. suspicions . love. hate.

im thinking what the hell im doing here? why the hell im here? what is the point to be here? i need to know who i am.

are these kind of movies necessary? most people probably watch them and forget them after couple of hours. but should we really forget them? can these movies make world better place? these stupid american movies like alpha dog or blood diamond that are costing millions of dollars to make. money is such a powerful thing.

im really thinking whats going on. who am i? 23 year old girl working in office. doing more than im getting payd. i have a boyfriend whos not with me at the moment and we kind of love each other which is hard to beleive sometimes. then i have a father in ireland. rest of my family is in estonia- my brother whos not doing much, my mother whos allright at the moment, my grandmother whos too much worried about everything all the time. and then my friends who are kind of allright people actually. at least i have been lucky to meet some really good peoplein my life but the problem is im not seeing them much which is crap really.

so here i am again. trying to get somewhere and feeling like im getting somewhere but then BANG! VA VA VOOOOM! and thats it. Just stops. Just like that.